A different kind of parenting that teaches responsibility, builds self-esteem and ensures they feel loved. The following ten tips will help you use methods that have been proven to provide children with a sense of well-being and security.
1 – 1 on 1 time
Your child’s self-esteem is greatly influenced by the quality of time you spend with him-not the amount of time that you spend. With our busy lives, we are often thinking about the next thing that we have to do, instead of putting 100% focused attention on what our child is saying to us. We often pretend to listen or ignore our child’s attempts to communicate with us. If we don’t give our child 1:1 time in the day, he will often start to misbehave. Negative attention in a child’s mind is better than being ignored.
It is also important to recognize that feelings are neither right nor wrong. They just are. So when your child says to you, “Mom, you never spend time with me” she is expressing what she feels. It is best at these times just to validate her feelings by saying, “I bet it does feel like a long time since we spent time together.“
2 – Use Action, Not Words
Statistics say that we give our children over 2000 compliance requests a day! No wonder our children become “parent deaf!” Instead of nagging or yelling, ask yourself, “What action could I take?” For example, if you have nagged your child about unrolling his socks when he takes them off, then only wash socks that are unrolled. Action speaks louder than words.
3 – Take time to show them how to do things
Ways to help them feel good about themselves are to ask their advice, give them choices, cook all/part of a meal, or help you shop. A two-year-old can wash plastic dishes, wash vegetables, or put silverware away. Often we do the job for them because we can do it with less hassle, but the result is they feel unimportant.
4 – Use Natural Consequences
Ask yourself what would happen if I didn’t interfere in this situation? If we interfere when we don’t need to, we rob children of the chance to learn from the consequences of their actions. By allowing consequences to do the talking, we avoid disturbing our relationships by nagging or reminding too much. For example, if your child forgets her lunch, you don’t bring it to her. Allow her to find a solution and learn the importance of remembering.
5 – Use Logical Consequences
Often the consequences are too far in the future to practically use a natural consequence. When that is the case, logical consequences are effective. A consequence for the child must be logically related to the behavior in order for it to work. For example, if your child forgets to return his dvd and you ground him , that punishment will only create resentment within your child. However, if you return the dvd and either deduct the amount from his allowance or allow him to work off the money owed, then your child can see the logic to your discipline.
6 – Withdraw from Conflict
If your child is testing you through a temper tantrum, or being angry or speaking disrespectfully to you, it is best if you leave the room or tell the child you will be in the next room if he wants to “Try again.” Do not leave in anger or defeat.
7 – Separate the Deed from the Doer
Never tell a child that he is bad. That tears at his self-esteem. Help your child recognize that it isn’t that you don’t like him, but it is his behaviour that you are unwilling to tolerate. In order for a child to have healthy self-esteem, he must know that he is loved unconditionally no matter what he does.
8 – Be Kind and Firm at the Same Time
Getting cross makes our child feel we don’t love them, so try to be firm without getting cross and your children will respond better.
9 – Parent with the End in Mind
Most of us parent with the mindset to get the situation under control as soon as possible. We are looking for the expedient solution. This often results in children who feel overpowered. But if we parent in a way that keeps in mind how we want our child to be as an adult, we will be more thoughtful in the way we parent. For example, if we slap our child, he will learn to use acts of aggression to get what he wants when he grows up.
10 – Be Consistent, Follow Through
If you have made an agreement that your child cannot buy sweets when she gets to the store, do not give in to her pleas, tears, demands or pouting. Your child will learn to respect you more if you mean what you say.