A child who is troubling or troubled is not trying to make your life difficult, rather they are trying to show you how difficult life is for them.
Children’s Challenging Behaviours
‘I am not responding to that behaviour, when you calm down, I can talk with you, but not until then’. When quieter, identify what they need as they are always communicating an unmet need.
The background to most childrens’ difficult behaviours
The background to your child’s difficult behaviour? A child who is troubling or troubled is not trying to make your life difficult, rather they are trying to show you how difficult life is for them.
Responding to Challenging Behaviour from your Child/Teen
The number one response to your child or teen’s difficult behaviour is Compassion. We do this when we love the child unconditionally, that means the child is always more important than the behaviour, so I separate the child from the behaviour and talk about the behaviour I am finding difficult, but I try not to break my relationship with the child.
Hit your PAUSE button when you are angry
‘I love you, but that behaviour is not acceptable, we need to talk about that behaviour when you and I calm down’. ‘You are a good boy, but that was a naughty thing to do’.
All behaviour makes sense
Every time I work with a parent, we discover that the child’s behaviour always makes sense. They are feeling bad, maybe since the parents separated, or since a new baby came along, or Mum went back to work, and their behaviour is a cry for help.
The best parenting approach? Be Kind, Firm but not Cross when dealing with your child. Take time to listen and give them a sense of feeling heard and understood and they will be more able to listen to you then.
What is the intention of the behaviour?
However, if we punish the behaviour, the child’s cry for help goes unheard and a negative spiral begins. The focus needs to be on the ‘why’ of the behaviour, and when we meet the child’s unmet need, they no longer need the negative behaviour and the behaviour stops quickly.