With cyber bullying in Ireland in the media lately, parents want to know how to respond.
What parents can do if their child is being cyber bullied?
Go offline – Block the Sender – Do not Reply – Keep the Message & Report Talk with the School who have an Anti Bullying Policy Be there
– create opportunities for them to talk with you Encourage expression – let them say how they feel – when they are ready – and what they need from you
Support & Reassurance
What to say to someone being cyberbullied?
’This is not your fault, the person who bullies has the problem, not you’
’Don’t believe what the bully says’.
’I am 100% on your side’ they need to hear this
’Anyone can be bullied’
’Don’t let them know you are upset as the bully is looking for a reaction’
Roleplay how to respond : ‘Head up, make eye contact and speak assertively’
’Bullies are unhappy people who are unhappy with themselves’
Tips for keeping your child safe online
Ensure their profile is set to private
Advise them not to share their passwords
Advise them to log out
What does the ‘victim’ need to learn?
The ‘victim’ need to learn to assert themselves & take care of themselves in the face of another’s difficult behavior. They maybe allowing themselves to be bullied, however, they maybe already bullying themselves, so they connect with what the bully has said, identify it and thereby allow it.
This needs to change – how is it I personalize another persons difficult behavior as somehow being about me? The bullies behavior is about them, however how I respond (victim) is only about me, how I feel about myself and what is going on for me.
Cyber bullying explained
Passivity is a behavior a person adopts to the defensive behavior of another. If I feel threatened, my response will either be by acting out with anger or aggression or acting in with withdrawal, passivity or conformity. Therefore, in school if this child or teenager encounters someone who is defensive, old patterns of passivity emerge.
Building an awareness of this, and the possibility of asserting self means the teen can make new choices and take new actions towards ‘championing self’.
The challenge for the bully however; is they need to be more passive, less aggressive
How to raise self-esteem in your teen
Confidence comes from feeling Lovable & Capable
Parent unconditionally – ‘I always love you, but I need to speak with you around your behavior’
Enabling your child/teen ensures they feel competent and confident, so doing less teaches them to do more, give them lots of opportunities to undertake challenges and support them with time for training & ensure they know it is safe to make a mistake, as mistakes are part of learning
Why do people bully?
Their response to changes (divorce/separation/death)
If they are over controlled at home, they go into school & need to feel a sense of power that they don’t feel at home
Poor self esteem, unhappy
They may have been bullied in the past
Lack of love/care/inconsistent or excessive discipline
What is behind the bullying behavior?
‘I wonder what has happened for you to get to this place?
We need to reform not to punish, we need to develop a sense of empathy in the person who is bullying, around the impact of their behavior on another and to stand in their shoes and see how they would feel.