Parenting teenagers is the hardest job you’ll ever do and you come into it with no training or support. I have no doubt you are doing a very good job, but teenagers challenge us and often we feel we are not good enough.
Settle for being a ‘good enough’ parent and remember this will pass. Mark Twain told the story once about when he was 13 years of age he took a good long look at his parents. He could not get over how little they knew from every point of view. He re evaluated them when he was 20 years of age and said he was amazed how much his parents had learned in the intervening seven years!
My top tips for parenting teenagers are:
Limit criticism: Observe your interaction with your teen -is it ‘commands/demand’ that goes from dawn to dusk?. The average commands we give a child are 17 every half hour, it’s not surprising they do not listen. Therefore, have as few rules as possible and empower them to make their own decisions and live with the consequences, to settle squabbles so they learn conflict resolution. Ignore negative behaviour and you will see it decrease over time. Instead promote and notice when they get it right and don’t forget to tell them. A parent said recently ‘I thought my job was to tell them what they got wrong, but when I began telling them what they got right, I am amazed at how it motivated they to do more of it and better’.
Parenting Styles: If your parenting style is Authoritarian it may have worked when children were smaller, however, with a teenager this parenting style ensures conflict and challenging behaviour. How do you feel when someone forces you to do something you do not want to do? If someone forces me, I will resist them with all my might, so power struggles will be the norm in your house. Pull out of power struggles. Hit the PAUSE button and deal with it later when both parties are calmer.
Authoritative is the parenting sty le that works better with teenagers:
- Allows quite a bit of freedom but this parent has clear standards of behaviour.
- They listen to their young person and will reason with the teen
- They enjoy a warm relationship
- They are clear in their expectations of their teenager
- They are likely to say ‘I trust/I believe’
- They enable and give their teenager opportunities
- They believe in their teen’s capability and are confident in them.
- Respectful Communication & Interaction
All communication is about the sender; therefore it important to remember that:
What your teenager:
- Feels
- Thinks
- Says
- Does
Is 100% about them, how they are feeling, and what is going on for them and nothing to do with you, so do not personalise. However, it’s more difficult to accept that all MY communication is in fact also only about me, how I am feeling, what is going on for me and nothing to do with another. Therefore, the importance of acknowledging how I feel or another feels cannot be overstated. A simple example is: Child comes late for dinner and is greeted with: ‘You’re always late!’ This is a blaming message that would make the other person feel under attack and they would response in a similar way: “You’re always giving out”
A better response from your teen would be received if you had taken a moment to:
Own the feeling in an ‘I ‘message: How did that mum feel having cooked a dinner with no one showing up for it? Unappreciated, – exactly! So, she needs to Own how she feels in an ‘I’ message: ‘, I feel unappreciated when you don’t arrive and I need you to text me next time’. A better response is more likely to this communication as the sender is only speaking about themselves.
When a child feels right, they behave right, therefore we need get in touch with how they feel.
- Listen without interruption
- Try to name the feeling that’s behind what they say: “You’re angry/upset/worried”
- Highly disturbed behaviour is an inability to express emotion, so it makes sense that when your teen deserves your love the least, they probably need it the most.
Develop a gently, caring, valuing relationship with self: Parent the parent
You cannot take care of anyone else, if you do not first value and take care of yourself first. Get out once a week; if only for a walk, meet a friend for a coffee, see a movie. Manage stress through proper diet, exercise, time for relaxation. It helps when we do a course to get some practical skills and tips and feel supported by meeting others experiencing stresses and struggles with their teen. Knowing you are not alone and that there are things you can do that help. Mind yourself as it’s true: Happy Parent,Happy Child!
Fantastic advice! When I remember to use it, it works like a dream, thanks Sheila!
When I am taking care of myself and feeling good I find I have more energy to manage my 3 teenagers and I need all the energy possible
it was very interesting to read.
I want to quote your post in my blog. It can?
And you et an account on Twitter?
Thanks for the insightful information. Parenting pre-teens and teens is overwhelming for me, and I particularly like the advice that when children feel right they behave right. It’s hard when my pre-teen son doesn’t express his feelings. I don’t know how he is feeling. I am going to start using some of your techniques.
That’s a great post, but I was thinking that maybe “Authoritative is the parenting style that works better…” might be a typing error? I would love to be sure of the parenting style you recommend, as I plan to pass this on! Thanks
Thanks, typo sorted! See revised text
This is a great website Sheila I find your advice and articles clear and practical and full of your usual warmth and wisdom. Well done and Thank You for sharing your valuable insights on parenting.
Sure